I'm holding a little one in my lap, who just doesn't want to sleep. I could clean, but I'll save that for the morning. It's better to clean when all the family can pitch in. Today our goal was to get to the YMCA. We got a membership there last month. It was quite fun. This was the second time our littlest went to childcare there and she loved it. She was not stressed at all. The play with the babies and hold them. They are the sweetest people. It gave me a much needed break with the boys. I actually went swimming with them. I hate the water and they all know it. The smiled and laughed. I even raised them all to the other side of the pool and back. It was fun. Special fun.
You might notice some changes. But, maybe not. I'm always full of changes. We like to try on new things, keep what we like and toss the rest. I hope and pray our children do well in life. I hope we aren't hindering them. I do worry about that at times. But, I see a lot of people trying to make this perfect family. They work so hard to keep their homes perfect or spend all their money to make them perfect. And, yet they don't have what we have. We have nothing really. We have no belongings worth much of anything. Strange collections of stuff here and there. Vehicles that no one else would want. A dog with allergies and a strange little cat. But, those things don't matter. I have them and they have me. And, we are so important to each other. I couldn't trade this family. Not for anything perfect.
In time, I tell my husband.
My mom told him, too. Just give her time and a good cry.
I get through, I move on. I'm always seeking. Moving towards God. Moving towards simplicity. Moving towards connection.
The cable is on here. We don't pay for it. It's just on. I spend last year sick and well sometimes depressed. Not because I was pregnant, but because I wanted to be in the city. I didn't want to fail at that life. I wanted that life. But, it didn't fit everyone in our family. And, you know what...that's not ok. It has to fit us all somehow, that is why it's called family. I spent a lot of time watching TV. And, maybe that was good. Because today I flipped it on. I was nursing and on the couch. I flipped it one. And, I felt a sick yucky deep down in my stomach yuckiness. I blinked. I watched. I blinked. I enjoyed it before. I enjoyed that show about wearing clothes to make you look your best. And, yes some of them looked better. I turned it off. Enough. My stomach hurt. I'm glad it's over and off.