Spring Blossom Move Exhale

I was reading the latest edition of Rhythm of the Home .....and it hit me. This feeling I have welling up inside of me. Somedays I want to cry and others I just want to pack what I love in the van and run.

"Spring is the season that always sees the earth exhale. The sigh of relief as color returns, trees bud, and flowers bloom is one that is welcomed with open arms after the long, dark days of winter. "

I don't share much about this part of life. It has been confusing, endless, difficult, even maybe a relief somedays. The last time I went to church someone commented that they didn't realize he was still there. My husband has been gone. For over a year. He went searching for a job when a family member found him a place. There in that other state. The one that is not at all like this one we have lived in for so many years. My children miss their Daddy. Our little one...he doesn't even realize it so much. He just says Daddy when the phone rings.


Poppy swinging at Grandma's House.





Anguish in deciding if we should move. Anguish in accepting fate or maybe finding a new place to bloom.


Ocean swinging at Grandma's House

There are tales of gypsy blood in my veins. Of a Grandpa who rode in a covered wagon. I never settled even when finally we came back to Washington State. The place my mother grew up. The place she called home. We move on. I hope the children see the adventure. I hope they really believe that home is where the heart is.

I have been holding my breath. Worried. Avoiding reaching out to God. I am on the verge of a Great Exhale.

Getting ready for a new year

I consider my new year to start on my Birthday.  Shouldn't everyone?  I have been thinking, praying, wondering, and conspiring over my birthday wishes.  

I plan to spend the month of August following The 30 Day Vegan Challenge.  Which I am sure you have seen me posting about already.  I have been desiring to go Vegan again.  I have felt drawn towards it.  Then Colleen posted about her challenge.  And, I thought.  "Wow, that would be the perfect birthday present to myself!"

I am working on joining a group of ladies who have larger or really big families.  We are married and single, rich and poor, main stream and hippie, homeschooling and out of homeschooling, working and moms at home.  It is a varied bunch but we all have one thing in common.  It isn't something we see often in larger families.  The one thing we have in common is we are all committed to being Gentle Christian Mothers.  None of us claim to be perfect.  We are just centered on the gift of Jesus, Grace, and a job well done.  It isn't always easy.  Sometimes we have to extend the Grace to ourselves.  I will hopefully be announcing where to find us soon. 

{Friday}

I finally caught a Friday moment and remembered on Friday....

We ran errands. We played at the park. We had a picnic. We nursed under the sun.

Free Time

While nursing my youngest, I admit I sometimes read blogs or play mind numbing games on my ipad. Today a post I read centered on free time. I have tried to make free time lately. I have listened to many mothers and fathers who desire free time. I know I get my panties in a bunch at least once a week over my lack of free time.

You know what. I live in one amazing society if I can whine about free time. Sure I spent quite a bit of brain power figuring out that I am an introvert, so I need that time.

Don't fool yourself. Free time with five kids might start to look real different. Getting to pee by yourself starts to look mighty fine. Sneaking a cup of coffee while a baby sleeps on you and your toddler watches some dancing rat might qualify as free time.

Somewhere there needs to be a transition. Like when I realized you can do all sorts of stuff while you nurse a baby. But, then I had my fourth child who I had resigned myself to never having. I realized the best thing you can do while nursing is to stare in those little eyes. Talk to them and kiss them. Tell that sweet child little stories. Count those few fleeting moments like little bridges to heaven. That is free time.

Free time needn't be shopping or coffee breaks at the MegaMermaid. It can be time to refill our love tanks with someone special and the absence of consumerism and screens. Have some free time with a picnic, in a garden, or
on the beach.

Those inner voices...

Always seem to come when my children are doing somethingthat drove my mom crazy. All of a sudden I hear her and realize it is just me. Apologize and reconnect. Call my mom and tell her I am sorry for driving her so crazy she had to mutter to herself.

I have been feeling better. We are expecting another member in the spring. I have never parented a toddler while being pregnant. I am exhausted. I feel bad, too. I don't feel like I can give my all to the baby. So, there is definitely some mamma guilt to top of that sundae.

A Million Miles in A Thousand Years

 I really enjoy Donald Miller books.  I enjoy them because you can read just one chapter and savor it for a week.  That is how I like a book.  I like to read a bit at a time and let it sit on my mind and flow through my body.  I like to apply it to my weekly routine.  See how it filters through our life.  See if it makes a difference.  See if calms me.

In chapter 9, he talks about Jason and how he saved his family by recreating their story.  This is my advice (for myself even) when thinks seem hard.  There are days when the kids won't cooperate.  There are days when I tell my oldest I'm going to send him to public school and see how he can handle it.  It comes out as some awful threat.  It comes out like I hate all public schools and that he will be shamed into a little robot or cast onto the playground.  I'm venting.  It isn't attractive.  So, I re-do.  I let go.  I apologize.  (I mean what happens if they do have to go to school one day?)

But, I don't know if after the apology I really look to make our life better.  I tend to clean up the kitchen or serve them a good pie or something.  Sometimes I try to make up some sort of amazing schedule that gets us all out of bed at 6am and I suddenly feel the urge to study Latin with them.  But, I don't think I really take the time to seek out something exciting.  I don't think I really take the time to figure out a mission for us to accomplish.  A better way to serve God together.

5 Years

I was editing a post this morning.  I decided to look back on my posts.  I realize I have been blogging for over 5 years now.  I started with Xanga, move to blogger, moved to wordpress, and then moved back over here.

That is such a long time.  My kids are 5 years older.  I only had three back then and one was just a baby.  Where did all that time go.  What were my goals and dreams back then?  We have moved three times since then.  The adults have gone back to school.  We have added another child to our family.

I've changed a lot during that time.  I've relaxed.  I've grown.  I've tried new foods.  So, have the kids.

We took a short break in there to try public school again.  The oldest went to half of Grade 4.  The second went to a fabulous K program and half of a not-so fabulous Grade 1 program.  The third child has not attended any schooling, although he has been in speech therapy for two years.  And, then there is the youngest.  Who I pray will never attend school.

In 5 years, it will be 2015.  Our oldest will be graduating and be just turning 18, the next will have just turned 15, then 11, and a Kindergartner.  Now that my friends will be a crazy year.  I bet I cry a lot that year.  I bet I will have changed a lot by then.

But, goals, thoughts, guesses on my future.  It seems so very wrong to do.  How can I do that to my family?  How about hopes....

I hope...
               we are still homeschooling
                         we live on Vashon or in Ojai
                                  my husband has a profession he loves
                                           I've finally found a hobby I love or written a book
                                              we are happy and strong
                                 our oldest is going out into the world with God in his heart
                        I've gotten my hands in some good organic earth
                 I can decorate a cake without it falling apart
            I've experienced dreads
       I've sailed on a boat with my husband
 I'm no longer afraid of the water
            

Water, Perfect Families, TV

I'm holding a little one in my lap, who just doesn't want to sleep.  I could clean, but I'll save that for the morning.  It's better to clean when all the family can pitch in.  Today our goal was to get to the YMCA.  We got a membership there last month.  It was quite fun.  This was the second time our littlest went to childcare there and she loved it.  She was not stressed at all.  The play with the babies and hold them.  They are the sweetest people.  It gave me a much needed break with the boys.  I actually went swimming with them. I hate the water and they all know it.  The smiled and laughed.  I even raised them all to the other side of the pool and back.  It was fun.  Special fun.

You might notice some changes.  But, maybe not. I'm always full of changes.  We like to try on new things, keep what we like and toss the rest.  I hope and pray our children do well in life.  I hope we aren't hindering them.  I do worry about that at times.  But, I see a lot of people trying to make this perfect family.  They work so hard to keep their homes perfect or spend all their money to make them perfect.  And, yet they don't have what we have.  We have nothing really.  We have no belongings worth much of anything.  Strange collections of stuff here and there.  Vehicles that no one else would want.  A dog with allergies and a strange little cat.  But, those things don't matter.  I have them and they have me.  And, we are so important to each other.  I couldn't trade this family.  Not for anything perfect.

In time, I tell my husband.

My mom told him, too.  Just give her time and a good cry.

I get through, I move on.  I'm always seeking.  Moving towards God. Moving towards simplicity.  Moving towards connection.

The cable is on here.  We don't pay for it.  It's just on.  I spend last year sick and well sometimes depressed.  Not because I was pregnant, but because I wanted to be in the city.  I didn't want to fail at that life.  I wanted that life.  But, it didn't fit everyone in our family.  And, you know what...that's not ok.  It has to fit us all somehow, that is why it's called family. I spent a lot of time watching TV.  And, maybe that was good.  Because today I flipped it on.  I was nursing and on the couch.  I flipped it one.  And, I felt a sick yucky deep down in my stomach yuckiness. I blinked. I watched. I blinked.  I enjoyed it before.  I enjoyed that show about wearing clothes to make you look your best.  And, yes some of them looked better.  I turned it off.  Enough.  My stomach hurt.  I'm glad it's over and off.

Christmas 2009 Tea Set

Christmas 2009 Tea Set

Since, I no longer live near loose leaf bulk tea...well a place that sells it...I ordered some today from Republic of Tea. It's the kind I used to drink in Seattle. I got just a small bag every week or so and kept in one of those magnetic tins on the fridge.

My husband got me a tea container for Christmas, so I want to fill it up. I'm curious to see how long the tea lasts for me.

Gearing up for a new Year...

Christmas is over.  I think we will keep up the tree.  I had to download all my photos onto Flickr.  It was full and we couldn't wake up the kids till the camera was empty.  I gifted myself a new subscription to Flickr.  I love Flickr.  I've been trying to use shutterfly instead.  I do like their family pages, as well.  Plus, Shutterfly is free!  Can't beat free.  Since, we our computer crash, I just hate risking the loss of photos.  Plus, I really like to share with family members who may not need a pile of photos to clutter up their homes.

I got Wii Fit Plus from  my Mom for Christmas.  The kids have been playing with it.  It looks like it's going to get a lot of use.  I thought it would be fun for me this Winter.

I just signed up for Terra Organics.  I'm super excited.  I've wanted to try this before, but never had the opportunity.  I wanted to add that they are accepting EBT cards now.  I've always felt like the poor really need help accessing healthy foods.  I've read online about people who say the poor buy junk food with their food stamps.  But, I've always strived to buy healthy, organic foods when possible.  Yes, there are times when my pregnant little self bought some cookies and ice cream.  But, for the most part we have strived to eat healthy on our food stamps, when we have had them.  If other people are going to help pay for my food I think I owe it to everyone to make good healthy choices.

I hope to blog more often, too.  I'm trying to get more of a routine going for us again.  I think we get more down that way.  Plus, we are hoping to get out and do more things.  I don't want to spend all our time doing "school".  I would love to see us have more time for friends and outdoor time.

Our youngest is getting her very first teeth.  Both of the bottom front teeth are coming in at the same time.  We got some all natural teething help this time around.  I'll have to make a post on that.

Goodnight Christmas

Goodnight Cookies

Goodnight Happy Little Children

Thank You Lord for This Day

Thank You for Your Grace and Mercy

Thank You for My Little Children

I Give You my New Year

I Ask for Your Guidance

I Hope for Love

The Simple Woman's Daybook

I thought I would try out an entry, since I've run into it a few times.

The Simple Woman's Daybook

~*~*~*~*~

Outside my window...

Washington is still warm and sunny. 

I am thinking...

about making sure I eat enough and drink enough today.

I am thankful for...

the time I get to spend with my new baby.

From the learning rooms...

we are learning about trees, discovery, the Americas, Henry Hudson, and the Northwest Passage.  The boys are building Galleons this week out of milk cartons and various other fun supplies. 

From the kitchen...

Escher baked an orange cake with cream cheese frosting.

I am wearing...

maternity shorts, a grey tanktop, and a really ugly green sweatshirt with a zipper. (I can almost fit into my old clothes and I refuse to buy size 10's.)

I am creating...

absolutely nothing.  I want to make a mobile (like this) for the baby.

I am going...

to church tonight.

I am reading...

the creative family.

I am hoping...

for a nap

I am hearing...

boys, boys, boys, and our little baby girl has the hiccups again.

Around the house...

there is a mess from all the paper they are cutting up to make boats.

One of my favorite things...

yogi chai tea with vanilla soy milk creamer.

A few plans for the rest of the week:

work on boats some more, hope our science supplies come in, go for a nature walk and collect leaves, bark, whatever for our notebooks.

Here is a picture for thought I am sharing...

Little and pink baby girl clothes drying on the rack. A big deal to a mom with three sons in a row. 

A Black Bookstore

It isn't right when your 10 year old thinks this is funny. I know I shouldn't let him watch it. I shouldn't let him stay up so late.

But, darn it what kind of life can you live without being introduced to British Comedy.

I'm a firm believer that the US would be a whole lot easier to live in if more people were introduced to good British Comedy at an early age.

He's a real boy...

I just overheard my two oldest...they were talking about how much they like a new video game they are playing (egads...I know). They were being all serious and conversing like little men when my 7 year old says, "Yeah and it's soooo cute."

This kid is such a heart breaker. He is one of those people who gives the best hugs. You know those people. I did not grow up with touchy, lovey, affection..so it's hard for me. But, I always knew there was something different about the good huggers. I used to think someone taught them that, but I swear there is a certain type of person that is just born with it.

I only miss one...

yes it's true.

I realized I miss someone everyday.
But, it's only one of them.
I miss them for different reasons.

When I'm at school
I catch myself gazing out a window
or watching a small child.

Sometimes it is a sign
or a rock.

But, I find it is only one of them I miss.
I wonder if I should feel guilty.
I don't miss the same one everytime.
They get a pretty fair rotation.

I came home and gave my oldest the biggest of hugs
and kisses because today I really missed him.

Introducing week number 5...

Now aren't you excited.

Seriously though...I need some pictures or something. Maybe I'll take my camera up with me soon. My camera phone just doesn't cut it. Although, I took something hilariously naughty at the store. I wonder if I can email it to flickr?

I have this little woman inside of me.
She pokes me.
She prods me.

She says
Your not a real Christian woman
She says
What kind of man plays with his sons all day long

I wish we could spend the rest of our time with them like this. I treasure my time at school. I love watching them connect so wonderfully with their father.

I hate that little, itty, bitty tiny woman inside of me.
Where did she come from?

I finally found FREE Shakespeare recordings at LibriVox, so I can memorize Sonnet 65 for my mid-term on Thursday. I am having an awful time with it and I hope this helps. It's now on my iPod and ready to be listened to over and over again for the next few days.

The computer update...

I've been doing very well with my computer time. I've been on a bit here and there. I've been doing so well. It's amazing what I've gotten done this week by just getting up early and staying away from computers.